Not Neary Strong Enough
by Jamie Love
Summary: .After Julius Root died, no one suspected he left behind any survivors. They were wrong. Now Wing Commander Vinyaya reflects on Julius and the memories he left her with. Songs from Evanescence and Michelle Branch.
1. My Immortal

**A/N: This is a songfic that revolves around 'My Immortal' by Evanescence. Its pretty sad. Anyway, read it. You'll see.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this. Other then the plot. But it sort of came from Eoin Colfer, so not really. If I did own it, then Julius wouldn't be dead. But he is. So Eoin Colfer shall perish! As soon as I'm done mourning.**

**Not Nearly Strong Enough**

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all of my childish fears_

She walked into her apartment. Ever since Commander Julius Root had died, everything had changed. Without him nothing was the same. His replacement could never amount to his level. Never. Inside the work place or out. Sool couldn't replace her Julius.

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

She tried to forget him, but she just couldn't. He had been a part of her. She sighed and walked into her bedroom. The same room he had come to so many times. Just to make sure she felt alright. Everyone thought, being Wing Commander, she could take care of herself. That she didn't need anyone. They were wrong. She needed him, as he needed her.

_Because your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

She shred her uniform and stared at her strong frame in the mirror. Her coffee-brown skin that bore the scars and burns of so many missions. Of so many shuttle crashes. She was no longer the young LEP cadet she had once been. Now…now things had changed.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

She lay down on her bed, and stared at the ceiling. Her entire three foot frame shook for the first time in so long. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks. Tears. She was crying. It had been so long since she had cried. Everyone expected her to be so strong. But no. Not without Julius. Without Julius…she was lost.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

She used to be as strong as everyone thought. Ever since the academy. That was the only way she had made it to the council. She had worked so hard, because the very first day of the academy was the same day her life changed. The day she met Julius Root.

_And I've held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

The tears came harder as she remembered that day. She had fallen in love at first sight. He was so strong. Number one in the class. She didn't mind always being second best. But somehow she ended up on the council first.

_You used to captivate me_

_By your resonating light_

He was happy for her. They became close friends, and she made sure he was made Commander. He deserved it, really. He would have gotten it without her help. They were always there for each other. She thought of him day and night. And soon she began to think of him as more then just a friend.

_But now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

The day his elder brother betrayed the LEP was a sad one. Julius let him go. She understood. He could not send his only brother to jail like a common criminal. She was there for him. To comfort him. And for that he was grateful.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

He trusted her, and she trusted him. One day, not a year ago, though it seemed so far away, he came into her apartment unannounced. This shocked her. Julius never came barging in to anywhere unless it was an emergency. He walked across the room and held her in his arms. She did not resist. Then he said four words that changed her life forever. "Orchid," he whispered. "I love you."

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

From that day on things were different. They had to hide their relationship from the rest of the council. It would not seem proper. But they managed. It was worth the risk. At least once a week he would come to her house. Just to talk. Sometimes he would stay the night. Those nights she cherished more then any other memory. But no. Not now.

_And I've held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

"Julius!" she cried out through her sobs. "Julius…" his name echoed around the empty room. His name. "Julius." She buried her face in her pillow and wept. Julius. He was gone. He was never coming back. Her Julius. She would never see him again. He left to soon. He had just stopped drinking. He had just promised to try to stop smoking. Everything was going to work out. If only for Koboi. "Julius."

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

_And though you're still with me_

_I've been alone all along_

The video-phone rang. She didn't want to pick it up. She wanted to let it ring. To never come out of her room again. Her Julius was gone. What was the point in living without him? She was so alone. She wasn't strong enough to go on without him. If only this had never happened. If only Koboi had died along with Briar Cudgen. If only…if only…

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

She pulled herself out of bed. After wiping her eyes and throwing on a bathrobe, she pressed the talk button. Foaly's head appeared. "Commander Vinyaya." He said. "The mind wipe is all ready. You can come in now."

"Thank you, Foaly." She breathed. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

He stared into her eyes. "It'll be okay, Orchid." He whispered. "We'll all miss him. We'll learn to live without him. Somehow…"

She nodded, and ended the call.

_And I've held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

**A/N: This is the sadist thing I've ever written. I cried writing it. :(. Please review. Right now this is a one-shot. But if enough people review, I may add on a few chapters.**


	2. Goodbye To You

**A/N: Okay. Someone asked me to write a second chapter, so I did. I made it another songfic because I couldn't think of anything. Its sorta abrupt, and it took forever, but I finally made it. So please read and enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Between Eoin Colfer and Michelle Branch, I own nothing but the plot.**

**_Of all the things I believed in  
I just want to get it over with _**

_**Tears from behind my eyes  
but I do not cry  
Counting the days that past me by**_

Commander Vinyaya walked along the crowded street of Haven City, towards LEP Headquarters. Every step was an effort. She could just drive or take a cab. But the traffic was terrible. She smiled bitterly. Traffic. It was centuries ago, but she could remember their first assignment together. It had been a total disaster. But it didn't matter now.

**_I've been searching deep down in my soul  
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old _**

She felt the tears threatening to overpower her. But she continued to walk. Julius. Her best friend for over five centuries. Gone. It didn't seem possible. It couldn't be. She had thought

about it so much. Hoping it was just a dream. But no. No nightmare would ever be this terrible.

_**Looks like I'm starting all over again  
The last three years were just pretend and I say**_

She walked through the LEP double doors. Everyone looked at her differently now. She knew. When Julius died, she admitted to the rest of the council that they had been more then just friends. So much more. Not that it mattered now. He was gone.

_**Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew**_

**_You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_**

She walked past the many cubicles, into the corridor. It was deserted. She was glad to be alone now. When she talked to other fairies, they just wanted to talk about Julius. How sorry they were. Why didn't they understand? She needed to stop thinking about him. She needed to forget.

_**I still get lost in your eyes  
And it seems like I can't live a day without you**_

She stumbled along the corridor, grabbing the wall for support. Her eyes filled with tears again. She needed to forget him. Her darling Julius. She smiled through her tears. She knew what he'd say if he could see her. _'You haven't changed a bit Orchid. Always running. Quit your crying. You gave me your word.'_

_**Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away  
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right **_

And she had. Almost a year ago. About a month after their relationship started. He'd sat her down, looking deep into her eyes. '_Its going to be hard, Orchid. Our careers are extremely dangerous. There is a chance that something might happen to us.'_

'_Don't say that Julius.'_

'_You misunderstand my meaning, Love. If anything happens to me, I want you to promise you'll move on. That you'll stay strong.'_

'_I promise.'_

He had stroked her cheek, kissing her gently._ 'I want the best for you Orchid. I want you to be happy.'_ And she was. But no, not now.

**_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_**

She tripped, and collided with someone who had just rounded the corner. She almost fell, but he grabbed her arm. Her head fell to his chest. He was wearing an LEP uniform. On the lapel was...she went pale. The Commander's Acorns. She stood slowly, looking up into the elf's face.

**_Ohhh yeah  
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time_ **

It was Commander Sool. She almost broke down into tears. She had hoped that, somehow, it was her Julius. She almost laughed at herself for thinking something so stupid. Julius was gone. There was no changing that.

"Vinyaya." Sool said softly. "Are you alright?"

"Y-yes. I'm fine." She tried to pull away from him, but he gripped her arm firmly.

**_I want what's yours and I want what's mine  
I want you but I'm not giving in this time _**

"I was wondering." Sool murmured. "If you would allow me to take you to dinner sometime."

She stared at him for a few moments. She longed to hit his smug face. But she composed herself. "N-no. Thank you, Sool. I appreciate the offer, but I've learned my lesson on dating inside the force." She wrenched her arm free of his grip and hurried down the corridor to Ops.

**_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_**

She took a few deep breaths, then walked into Ops. Foaly was waiting. He smiled reassuringly at her. She tried to smile back, but couldn't quite pull it off. He touched her shoulder gently. "We're ready when you are, Commander."

She nodded. "I think…I'll need a minute or so."

He nodded. "Take your time. No rush." No sarcastic remarks. Even he knew this wasn't the time. She turned and walked off to the locker rooms. Just a minute. Then she would be ready. Ready to forget.

**_Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to_**

She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror, and started sobbing again. She needed him. Julius. Sool would never replace him. She closed her eyes. She had to move on. She had to forget. Julius would want her to forget. He would understand. She looked back up at the mirror, and jumped slightly. "Julius." She whispered.

**_The one thing that I tried to hold on to_**

He smiled at her in the mirror. "Be strong, Orchid. I love you. Someday we'll be together again. But for now, you need to be strong." And then he was gone. Sobs shook her small frame. How? How could she possibly be strong? He was gone. But she wiped her eyes, and walked out of the locker rooms, back towards Ops.

**_We the stars fall and I lie awake  
Your my shooting star_**

**A/N: Okay, I cried a bit writing this but not as much as last chappie. Mainly because since then, I've been shedding a lot of tears over Julius lately. Please review. Tell me what you thought.**


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